I suppose I should have done this when I started my journal, but I didn't, so I'll do it now. I'm just going to tell you all a little about me, which may shed some light on why I am the way I am; maybe.
Appearance: Hair: Dark brown, wavy, short. Eyes: Hazel (though sometimes they're green; sometimes blue) Skin: Slightly tanned (some Native American background, though I don't remember which tribe) Facial Hair: Full beard with slightly longer goatee (haven’t shaved in a while so my beard is trying to grow in with my goatee) Height: 5'10" Weight: Hefty; I'm a teddy bear, basically.
Family: I have two siblings. I have a younger half-brother and younger step-sister. I have an adopted father that currently lives in the United Kingdom with his wife (my step mother) and my biological father who lives by the lake, which is about an hour drive from my home.
Pets: I have a cocker spaniel named Cody. A pit-bull/dalmation mix named Lefty, and a boxer/pit-bull mix named Sissy. Also, I own a cat named Smushy, and one cat named Mama-kitty.
Background: I was born in Augusta, Georgia. I've lived here for approximately 23 years of my life. I've lived a year in Germany. I've lived in Modesto, California for five years. I've also lived in Las Vegas, Nevada for roughly a year. I've been married and divorced within ten months. I've only had four relationships in my life. I'm quiet by nature, very introverted, very kind, soft-spoken, easy to get along with, nonconfrontational, passive, patient, and understanding. I'd also say I'm intelligent, sarcastic, nonsensical, verbose (when need be, and sometimes when it’s not needed), and technologically inclined. I could add more, but I don't really feel like going on and on about myself because I do dislike talking about me.
About Me: When I was a child, around the age of three, I was diagnosed with asthma. The asthma was promptly treated with large doses of Prednisone steroids. I turned into a portly little baby boy who still had severe asthma problems. Along with these asthma problems I was able to add in weight problems which lead to diabetes. At age four I was officially diagnosed with what's known as type-1, or insulin dependant, diabetes. I lived 90% of my life in the ER and surrounding hospitals due to these issues. This was the way I lived, with no friends, up to the age of about 10. At this age I was told that I had grown out of my asthma. Unfortunately for me I still had weight issues and diabetes. Gradually, over the years, things didn't improve. I was informed, around the age of 18, that my kidneys weren't going to last much longer due to poor control of my weight and diabetes.
Onward through life I progressed, living as best I could. Here and there I lost medical insurance, and was forced to go without medications. And again, when I was confronted by the doctoral panel, I was told that my kidneys were shutting down. Time went on and I turned 28.
Here I sit, 28 years old, with only 17% of my kidney functions left. At 15% functionality dialysis is the preferred treatment. After that, a transplant is needed along with classes on coping from day to day.
I’m now 30 years old and on dialysis, with only approximately 12% kidney functionality. I still have a weight problem that I struggle to cope with. I am no longer employed due to my ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease) which is considered a disability. I have very high blood pressure, vascular disease, renal failure (failed kidneys), and hyper thyroidism due to failed kidneys. This, in turn, is causing my bones to weaken, my blood to thicken, my heart to become enlarged, my liver to become fatty, a severe case of GERD (Gastroesophogeal Reflux Disease) and my extremities to swell from time to time.
While I'm still ambulatory (and with no feeling loss in my appendages) I am slowly deteriorating. I've been projected to live no longer than the age of 45 or 50, with severe health issues leading up to this age. Also projected to happen is sight loss (which has already happened in my left eye), loss of feeling in extremities, and loss of limbs in the final stages of my life.
Personality/Mood: I'm essentially care-free. However, deep down I care greatly what happens to me, and I'm completely distraught. I don't show it though, because it doesn't help anything at all to be weepy and weak. I get frustrated easily and hate it when I'm made the subject of sympathy and pity. I know I'm dying, but please treat me as a normal human being, because that's what I am. I'm very comical, cynical, sarcastic, jovial, silly, dark, non-PC (I’m not politically correct at all), vulgar, depressed, contemplative, defensive, protective, and careful. My feelings are sometimes worn on my sleeve, while other times they are packed away tightly in a steel box that's welded shut. I bottle things up until I explode. When I explode, I vanish. Generally I'm talkative if someone else initiates conversation with me, but most of the time I just keep to myself.
In Closing: I hope that I've explained to everyone a little bit about myself. Questions are welcome, if they're not too terribly personal. I'm pretty much an open book, so to speak anyway. I think this may explain some of my depressive postings, rants, and complaints. I am in no way using this as an excuse for anything I do, but instead offering an explanation as to what may be causing it. All in all, I'm just looking for friendship, people to talk to that will treat me like a normal person, and not look at me or think of me as "the poor, sick, dying kid" and treat me as such. I'm an adult, and decisions made in my life did have a role to play in my predicament at hand. I've made my proverbial bed, and now I must lie in it.